Dating Post Global Pandemic

 Once upon a time, there was a perpetually single woman. She got bored with modern dating and started a blog. She is also neuro-divergent and loses steam for projects.... That's how we got from 2016 to 2022 with no posts. I am sorry.

So, a lot has gone down in this world both personally and globally. This rock is a dumpster fire of ugliness these days. Wars, health pandemics, riots, and humans losing personal autonomy. Personally I have had a tumultuous time of it. Heartbreak and heartache both with loss of friends, family, and love.

BUT

As we are slowly coming out of this apocalyptic hibernation, I find myself back on the market... yay.. 😵

All I have to say: I called it... 

I posted a million moons ago about the absurdities of internet dating and what these profiles require us to inform prospective mates of... and I referenced that we would eventually detail private health information- my joke was anal glands like for dogs... but the vaccine feature, and the polarizing matching that comes with masking or vaccinating has been hysterical to me. 

I ended up in a Covid Situationship... it was dumb... sweet-ish, but dumb. During a break in 2021, I was super amused at how we were encouraged to photograph ourselves in our masks or equivalent. Even more so when I started seeing people posting on adult video sharing sites them and their partners engaging wearing their masks... or masks that matched your lingerie at shops like Savage X Fenty or Victoria Secret... I have questions... Even all these months later... whelp, boo boo, it's time to remember that we are no longer on "Covid time." Like "Island time" on HI, but we don't live "Covid" lives... ain't no time left fo' "Covid time."

But I feel like in this age of " Social Distance" promotion we have forgotten proper planning protocol. Like, yeah, we are all regaining our lives, slowly. We are getting back to our old grinds... but its been 2, 3 years... We are older... we bougie and lazy because we found out what "rest" actually feels like, and our aging bodies are resisting the social lives we've spent the last 2 years complaining that our emotional selves have missed...

Potty Talk

TRUTH: I dont know a single adult person who has never taken their phone to the bathroom.

TRUTH: Most of us do more than play Words With Friends, Angry Birds, or whatever else you do with your phone. Especially if you are dropping a deuce, you have enough time to get caught up on your Facebook, return an important email or two... whatever...

That being said, there is a likely chance that if you are on a dating site, you or that potential new bae have likely been on the toilet while talking to eachother.

Has this thought crossed your mind?!

The moment it struck me, I immediately remembered that most of my adult best friends havent even accompanied me in the bathroom, let alone a prospective mate. In fact, most movies and TV shows explicitly make fun of the fact that this is an incredibly  intimate encounter- the first time you acknowledge that the other person has a waste relief system that requires tending to. It's incredibly taboo to be present at that delicate time.

Yet, due to the anonymity of setting durring internet conversations, we all of a sudden let down the walls and will talk to nearly anyone while on the john. You will email, text, and if you are particularly brazen- answer your phone while expelling whatever your body is finished processing. What's more?!? You'll do it at home, work, or even in public bathrooms! Harlots!! Scallywags!!

The next time you are talking to the bae-to-be, remember, there is a good chance one or both of you has gone to the bathroom with the other... long before you have set eyes on eachother in the flesh...

Ew! 

Replies

So, after a period of time recieving an abundance of intros from "non-winners," there comes that brilliantly shining moment that makes this teddious, degrading, and frustrating process all worth it. A gentleman of intrest finally responds. "Halleluiah" chorus'  sound in your head along with bells and whistles accompanied by those carnival lights like on "Wheel of Fortune" game pieces.
It is a beautiful moment.
Its intoxicating when you meet someone with whom you feel a mutual interest. If they are a respectable bloke, you will email back and forth a few times... and its always with such ease. I've met guys on these things who I have spent the better part of a night, well past midnight clicking refresh because the conversation is so stimulating and enjoyable. You get to spend the day with a hitch in your giddy up and you feel bubbly in your tummy and you know for sure this time its not just gas!

Um.... Stuff and junk and things.... O.o

So... I do not consider myself a genius by any means. Im sure my opinions and judgments on people's attitudes, intelligence, and approach may sometimes seem rather uppity. I'm really not. I just simply recognize that I put a lot of value in presentation and appearance. Not in the shallow sort of way, more of a "I care about how I represent myself to the world" sort of way.

For example: I'll talk about me for a bit.

I can often be a space cadette, I'm not always on point. I am a complete goofball. I enjoy laughing at fart noises and if you give me a slice of an orange with the skin still on it, don't be surprised if when you turn around, the next time you look at me it's in my mouth and I've got some dumb shit eating grin on my face. When I walk out my door and enter the world each day, my clothes might not be crisp, but they are reasonably neat and they fully represent me in all of my bright, loud uniqueness. I do not aspire to live in a mansion, own a jet, or vacation in the carribean on my private yacht; however I do desire to better myself and my own corner of the world the best I can with my time in it. To me that means loving those I meet everyday, taking every opportunity I get to learn a new lesson and sometimes the same one over and over again, and realize the opportunities that arise to combine the two to help those around me when I am able. Please know, given all that, I am far from sainthood, nor do I want it. I get angry, I sometimes have a short fuze. I can say mean hurtful things when I feel offended or threatened. My thoughts are sarcastic, dark and jaded as a result of life. Despite these things, I have hope: for love, for a better world, and for general happiness. In my very core, I am an optimist.

Me. Simply, human.

I have standards and expectations, wants and desires for my mate-to-be. I'm not looking for Bill Gates brain, wrapped up in Johnny Depps body, with Donald Trumps bank account. I won't deny that that would be a beautiful thing, but I doubt anyone is quite that lucky.

No, I believe that if I don't hold a reasonably high standard for "him" that we may end up unevenly yolked and that could spell bad ju-ju in the end. I don't want to set either of us up for negativity. So there you have it...

Envelopes, batted eyelashes and pointed fingers

There is the icon...Pretty and bright. Everything inside seems to swell with anticipation. It screams "interest!" "possibility!" "potential!"

With hope and excitement you click the flashy icon. And then click on the new file...

What do you get? What is your reward for putting yourself out there online?

Well... It can go a million ways... And that's the part that frustrates me...


"hi."
- really? I appreciate the effort and bravery it takes to take the chance on putting an email out. I'm flattered that I was worth the possibility of rejection. However, hi really isn't much of a conversation starter. And perhaps you aren't looking for conversation, but simply physical connection. Either way, with a simple hi, I'm bored with you already... I'm underwhelmed by the fact that your opening vocabulary is a single word. I'll look at your profile, and if it is better written than your opening line, I might respond in kind with a hello back in hopes that perhaps you'll get to the point or SOMETHING...

"I'm interested"
- not much better. When I saw that you had sent me an email, I kind picked up on that all on my own, but thanks for letting me know. The clarification is appreciated.

"your cute and look like fun, wanna hook up?"
- generally every time I've received one like this, it is always looking for sex. As flattering as knowing your weinus isn't picky is, thanks but no thanks. If what I was looking for was an easy lay or another notch on the bed post... Trust me, Hun, it'd be clearly stated in my title. Not only that, I require a bit more out of a partner than a pulse. Call me stuck up, but sex actually means something to me and my hoo hoo is not game for any Tom with a Harry Dick.

"hey, my name is( insert generic masculine name here). I saw your profile and I thought( insert random piece of profile here) was really interesting. Would you like to chat some time?"
- BINGO! Now we are getting somewhere. The flattery of knowing you pay even a remote bit of attention to detail means SO much! Yes, infact I'd love to chat.

"My name is ( insert other random male name)
(insert list of random personal factiods)
Hope to hear from you soon!"
- although a bit self-centered in tone, I appreciate these because they are interesting and take time and effort to produce... In all honesty, I'd rather listen to someone talk about their likes and interests than ramble on about my own. I will frequently respond to these.

These are just a few of the types of opening emails I've received. Lord help the world...

You know, Like that one Meg Ryan flick.

This generations version of sitting by the phone. Clicking the refresh button on the "viewed me" section in auto pilot, thinking perhaps something will change. A new viewer, a wink, a message, a poke... anything!

Most sites have an option where you can see who views you... I like and abhore this function all together. Its nice to see that your picture and perhaps basic stats pull in the views, but after the novelty of that wears off, you realize that unless this "view" corresponds with a resultant "flirt" of sorts, you dont meet their requirements... and that knowledge is just simply: cruel. What good is it knowing that "single907", "xxxtremepirate", and "b00tyman" have looked at my interwebz extention of me if they arent impressed enough to say "Hi." I think this application is well intentioned, it gives off the impression that you are popular if you are heftily viewed, but functionally it is more brutal than real life dating, its a newwer more raw form of rejection. In historical forms of dating, ie, my mothers glory days of bar hopping: you could go to the bar (otherwise known as the meat market) and have a good time. Most people went with a group of friends in varying numbers. You could set up camp at the bar, hit the floor and shake your groove thing as it were, or wander around touring the place. But all this time you could be blissfully unaware of the member of the opposite sex that has scanned you and then passed you by. I think it is much more humane to remain oblivious to disintrest. Ignorance allows for a lot fewwer blowes to ones self esteem.

However, every so often there is that gratifying moment:

That glowing, sparkly icon appears!

A notification, "you've got mail."


All of a sudden that agonizing torture of waiting is completely and totally worth it.





You hope >.<

Welcome to the dog show

So after the profile and pictures are posted you get peruse the other profiles. Most sites have a series of questions that they ask to help refine your search for you. Aren't they sweet? Height, age, sexual orientation, eye color/ hair color and type/facial hair preference, and even income, level of education, relationship status... One of these days they will include a virtual inspection of the anal glands and breeding credentials.... Seriously... I'm all for knowing what you want in a mate, but if you are going to get that indepth, you are going set yourself up for disappointment... In the end you'll have weeded everyone out and created an unrealistic expectation of this "perfect" person. Good luck.

Me? I leave a lot open... I think. I really don't care too much about most of that.... Though i prefer my men taller than me... And perhaps a bit older.

See, where I get really picky is the profile and if he initiates conversation, the content of his opening contact. If i haven't already checked out the profile, i will do so before i respond to an email. If either are weak, i will not reply. If he blathers about how uncomfortable he is with talking about himself... Or misspells simple words, uses improper grammar, or complains about how difficult life is and how lonely he is... Yeah... Big turn offs to me. I know I'm not perfect, but I try and I know I have baggage but its mine. I can no less expect him to want mine, why would he think I'd want his?! As for opening lines... Don't ask me if I give happy endings, or tell me you think I'm sexy (I'll appreciate the compliment, but I'm not looking for them when you only have a picture to go by), or tell me you want to get to know me but are too busy to call me yourself but here's your phone number so call you sometime ( I may not be a Kardashian, but if you are too busy to put out the effort to pursue me, I've got better guys worthy of my time who actually are available, Kthxbai!)....

I'm not the princess type, but i do conform to a few specific gender rules. I will respect you, admire you, and give to you in exchange for the same in return. I am likely to cook and clean for you if you pursue me. I will likely pursue you if you open doors and make me feel of value to you. I don't think that its a lot to expect the best out of the person i may possibly be giving me heart to... Is it?